Wow, I REALLY fell off the grid. I’m not surprised, but I am disappointed that I didn’t at least get on here to share what’s been going on.
It feels too raw, too hard, too messy, and too …uninspiring. A friend encouraged me to share anyway, so I’ll see if I can collect this mess into a few cohesive paragraphs.
I really, really, really love the father of my baby. Like, can’t breathe without him around kind of existence. He “broke up” with me in February, but we hadn’t fully separated our lives until about 9 days ago. I started this blog because I want to share my journey of figuring out how to be a single mom, but more so, figuring out how to be a happy single mom. It’s never where I thought I’d be. We were in an extremely committed relationship, with issues sure, but working on building a life together. Family was extremely important to both of us, and we discussed having a child even before we set a wedding date. My pregnancy wasn’t a surprise. But the events following that discovery led to increased miscommunication, pain, anger, and slowly I lost him. Today, I can’t even recognize him. He’s retreated into his mind so far that even his family is blocked out. He’s angry. He won’t accept that I’m having our child. He didn’t want to bring a child into a home without two parents who love each other. I totally “get” his logic. But he doesn’t have our baby growing inside him. I couldn’t terminate. It wasn’t the right choice for me. I don’t believe that our child is doomed to a sad existence solely from being born into a, as he calls, “broken home”.
Yet, that decision to have our baby sealed the deal that we would never get back together. His anger is mostly at me, going way beyond the fact I’m having the baby, to the issues he has with me…there’s a long list. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. We rushed, we gave all then took back parts of our trust when we got hurt, we were suspicious, we were messy. But, we were human.
I see a story with a massive opportunity for reconciliation between us. He…doesn’t.
That’s where we are at in a nutshell. It hurts. It confuses me. It feels wrong. It’s very lonely. It makes me angry. It makes me question my decision to have the baby, even though I’m so positive I’m doing the right thing for myself and the child. It is scary. Being pregnant alone is not fun. My friends are so incredibly kind, and my parents tell me they love me no matter what. But, I do not have a partner. It is so, so, so lonely. I feel like I can’t breathe when I lay down to sleep, when she’s kicking inside me and he’s not there to put his hand on my stomach, when I wake up alone. This journey is mine, alone. It is painful and it is terrifying. It makes me want to disengage and wave a white flag: YOU GOT ME LIFE. YOU GOT ME. YOU WIN.
But, I keep going. How? I’m not really sure right now.
Today, I’ve reached 24 weeks 1 day gestation. I’m measuring about 3 days before. Last week I went to meet the staff at the hospital that will allow me to labor, but not birth, in water. I really love the nurses and the head OB. I heard the heartbeat, it was 155. (History: 14 weeks @ 150, 20 weeks @ 170). The next day, I returned for an ultrasound and my prenatal lab work. *Because of my up and down journey with my ex to figure out about the baby, I hadn’t yet had an official OB appointment or completed any prenatal labs. So at 23 weeks we played catch up. Until my due date, I have appointments every 2 weeks.*
I’ll share with you the shot from the ultrasound that had a great profile of her body. The other pictures weren’t anything that I could make heads or tails of ;).
Is it just me, or is she not so beautiful? Her cute little nose and then her leg bent at the knee – it’s all so perfect. This ultrasound confirmed all anatomy is present. As the lady confirmed each heart valve, brain part, limb, and organ, I felt so proud of my little one.
She’s growing and fighting for life and she doesn’t even know how she’s the one getting me through all this. Every time I eat, it is for her. Every time I take a deep breath instead of sobbing, it is for her. Every time I take a walk instead of losing my mind, it is for her.
Tomorrow, I’m going to tour the birthing center that will allow me to birth in the water. I may not qualify to use this facility because of my syncope. (Google it, I had to as well!) The hospital I went to last week has ordered a full cardiac workup for me that I’ll be completing sometime this month to see if there are any issues with my heart. If I’m good to go, then I may switch to the birthing center. I really connected with the staff at the hospital, so tomorrow will have to really blow me away. I do want to birth in the water, so that is a huge factor in still wanting to see the birthing center.
Have I mentioned I’m currently unemployed? That’s right, I’m job hunting at 5 months pregnant. I was transitioning to a new job right when I found out I was pregnant in December, and felt that figuring things out with my partner (are we getting married? are we buying a house? should I get a full or part time job or even work at all while I’m pregnant?) was my first priority, so I didn’t move into the new position.
After finally settling on the fact that we are, as Taylor Swift sings, “never ever ever getting back together”, I’ve been searching for a position that will hire me now, but also not fire me during my maternity leave. I won’t be protected under any federal laws because they only protect women who have been employed by their job for 12 consecutive months. That would have been great to know ahead of time. I never expected to be pregnant on my own and being proactive about knowing information like federal maternity leave laws, didn’t cross my mind.
In addition to all the above, I’m slowly starting to share the news I am pregnant with friends and extended family, as well as plan a baby shower. I will be writing a post about planning a shower on a budget. I’ll also be making a baby registry soon and will share how that goes.
Life is moment by moment and even though I’m excited to meet my daughter, there are so many unknowns that really are freaking me out.
If you happen to be a single momma reading this, or a woman who found employment during second trimester, or just have something to share, please comment below or email me. I’m really not alone and neither were/are you. I’d really love to hear from all the strong women out there who are doing life without a partner, or maybe had a season alone, and found their partner.
–intheprocessofbecomingHappy Single Momma ❤