Every Friday I say goodbye two days early to my “week” of pregnancy. I’m gearing up for week 25 in my mind already and this week has been filled with.. questions, calm, doubting, and peace.
Overall there is peace. That’s good. Overall there is joy. That’s good. The cracks feel filled with fear.
I spent some real time with my ex (?) this week for the first time in several weeks. He finally touched my belly, felt our daughter kick, and discussed names with me. All the while still refusing to accept that I am having the baby. He’s in an odd state of dissonance and I desperately hope he comes to terms with her upcoming arrival before she arrives.
I also long for him to want to work on our relationship. But, slowly letting it go. We’ll see.
As for follow up from yesterday, I successfully completed my interview for the finance job and already received a callback for me to have a final round lunch meeting with the boss on Monday.
[My outfit ended up being a tube top gray ankle-length dress with a black blazer and comfy black (cute) heels. Accented with a nice beaded gray necklace. Comfy, and much better than my first outfit choice of squeezing in my belly to my size 0 skirt and wearing a flowing shirt to try to disguise the popping-out belly. Phew. Glad I avoided that.]
It’s not my dream job but it would provide for me and baby plus benefits. As I get some financial security on my own, I’ll work to build up my at home business so I can come home and stay home with my daughter as soon as possible.
My heart appointment this morning turned into 5 hours in the hospital for 3 types of testing and several hours waiting between tests. I’m currently wearing a heart monitor and the doctor asked that I try to get myself to have one of my normally random vasovegal attacks in the next 24 hours so they can get it recorded to see what the problem is. I’m not sure how to bring an attack on, since if I did, I would know how to prevent them, and thus wouldn’t be having this issue. My plan is to overexert myself (within reason of course) with some cardio like an exercise bike and see if I can make myself pass out. Lovely. If it’s not happening, I’m not going to really push myself too far. But I also really really want to know the cause of my syncope/vegal nerve problems so that I can prevent any attacks once I’m caring for my daughter.
Real Talk, Pregnancy Edition: Constipation is real. Even with all the fiber I’m eating. Sleep is hard to get in long stretches, and my belly is bursting. I feel like I’m exiting second trimester and entering third as I feel fatigue returning and my baby getting bigger.
I’m SO in love with her. She’s beautiful. She’s strong. She’s my precious daughter and I can’t WAIT to bring her into this world.
I’ve found some great books and cds about calm, natural childbirth and will write a post as soon as I finish this one book I’m on. Being a normally anxious personality, I’m EXTREMELY determined to birth my baby calmly, peacefully, and completely naturally. I believe that as I prepare for my calm birth, I will learn wonderful ways to manage fear, thus really treating my anxiety as a whole and not only for my labor.
Here’s to life changes. Cheers to the journey. Bring it on, week 25. Bring it on, Life.