I almost didn’t post today, but I gave myself ONE goal this week, to post each day, and goshdarnit, I will post every day.
I’m constantly caught off guard by how UP I can feel one day (such as yesterday) and how DOWN I can feel another (such as today).
What I’m realizing is that this is LIFE. It’s not mood swings, it’s not mental health issues, it’s not bipolar, or whatever other labels are out there, I really feel that experiencing a variety of emotions, even rapid fire or alternating daily, is just a product of living life.
For me, I think my ups may be higher and my downs lower because I’m pregnant with a baby I’m madly in love with, hurting from the loss/brokenness of my relationship, having to find a new home and a new job, dealing with many unknowns, and feeling overall very alone.
Today all those feelings manifested in anger. I didn’t express it, but I felt at any moment I would break down and sob.
I realized more deeply how much I lack true friendships. They’ve always been difficult for me to nurture and hold on to, and since my 20s I’ve realized it was because I was trying to force myself to participate in certain groups or worldviews in which I really didn’t relate to. Thus, it makes sense that I didn’t pursue or nurture friendships with those people in the groups I really didn’t attach to. The few friends I have that I know I can count on…we share enough commonalities of lifeviews that I know they will always be around. However, they aren’t in the city I currently am in.
And the person I’ve felt the deepest connection and friendship that I’ve ever experienced in my life with is my former partner. The loss of our friendship, the dissolution, or the breakdown…I’m unsure on a daily basis where we stand, since he seems to be changing his views regularly…anyway, the breakdown..has been extremely isolating.
I had moved away from my childhood town for good reason, to seek my own life and to find friendships with those I related to. Back in my childhood town, he was my ally. He was my best friend. He knew me like no one else and I felt like I was home with him.
Now he’s wanting to exit my life, yet I’m carrying his child. The loneliness makes me angry. The situation of living in the South and having family members who don’t or won’t want to celebrate my baby due simply to the fact I’m unmarried breaks my heart. The fact that because I chose not to terminate because of how I feel about my child leaves me alone and changed for the rest of my life while he can walk away unchanged, infuriating.
I don’t want to spend more than 500 words on anger. I want to share positivity, or encouragement, and especially hope.
I’m settling my mind for the evening, so I’ll list 5 things I can be thankful for, in spite of my anger.
- I’m thankful to live in a beautiful climate where the spring time flowers and temperatures soothe my soul.
- I’m thankful for the opportunity I had this week to interview for a job.
- I’m thankful that my pregnancy is so far healthy and normal.
- I’m thankful for access to clean water.
- I’m thankful for access to strong women and the ability to receive encouragement from other mothers and single parents via blogs and personal connections.
Cheers to the beauty a new day can bring. I look forward to waking up tomorrow and growing and learning.