A lot is going on. I certainly don’t have any right to complain. Especially in light of the tragedies around the United States and globally with terrorism & racism, and the incredibly heartbreaking violence occurring because of hatred. It is truly a difficult time in the world. These current events dwell heavy on my mind as I am about to bring a new life into this world.
Thinking so much about what I will teach her, or not teach her. How she will use the knowledge she is given to affect change or be indifferent. I can’t help thinking of these things.
Back to me, for a moment. It’s really sinking in that these last few days before I bring my daughter into the world are the last few days that are my own. There are countless blog posts to read about moms losing themselves to their children, missing their former lives, good and bad and in between of parenting and becoming a mother. There are countless emotions and thoughts bouncing in and out of my heart and brain every moment as her arrival draws nearer. Will this be the last time I binge Netflix? It’s probably a good thing she’s coming, I don’t need to watch so much Netflix anyway. or I wonder if I will spend enough time taking care of myself …or Will I achieve my goals or will my relationship issues always hold me back and I’ll end up just fighting to get through each day? These are the last few days of my life I am just Molly. Just me. Soon I will be Mommy. Molly will be there, but Mommy will come first.
That’s probably the scariest, most real and vulnerable thought I have on a daily basis. Am I strong enough to achieve my goals and become the strong, confident, financially secure woman and mother that I desire to be, no matter if I’m single or married? Part of me KNOWS I am. I can taste the freedom and the security. Part of me says I’ll always back down. I’ll always take the insulting words, believe them, or not want to stir the pot too much by really pushing hard for what I want.
I don’t want to lose myself in motherhood, letting go of “myself”. But one beautiful thing is that I have always connected my “self” to motherhood. Becoming a mother, in many ways, is a completed step of who I have felt I’ve always been meant to be.
I’ve planned a natural waterbirth at the local birthing center here in my town. I’m thankful that there actually IS a birthing center here. Because I’ve remained a normal no risk pregnancy, I’ve kept my clearance to deliver at the center, using any methods I’d like, abundantly thankful for that.
My doula and I have spent more time together recently and gone over how I’d like to spend early labor (which will be at home) and the different comfort measures and I’m feeling confident going into this process. My perfectionist mentally wants to be POSITIVE I’ve done enough exercising (even though I definitely already know I haven’t), enough meditation and breathing exercises, and enough correct positioning for baby to be born.
One resource I’ve found very informative, and you should definitely check out if your baby is not in optimal birthing position, is spinningbabies.com. My little one had been hanging out head down on the right side but has since moved over to the left and is ready to start her journey into my arms.
I have one more OB visited scheduled, this Tuesday. Crazy this pregnancy is almost over. Both my mom and I think I’ll go into labor this week, even though it could easily be anywhere from now until August 13th. (Due date 7/31)
- I love bouncing on my exercise ball 🙂 feels so nice on my pelvic floor and hips
- rolling side to side is difficult in bed!
- her movements are predictable and I love feeling her little foot
- diet really is everything, if i stick to whole foods my system is SO much more regular than when i have junk food…still eating so much watermelon, pineapple, berries, yogurt, and most recently stacked oatmeal bowls (like, toss anything and everything healthy in those suckers!)
- drinking 100-250 oz water per day still
- weight gain is still 1/4 lb- 1/5 a week, i think i’m up about 40 lbs total now
- lots of braxton hicks, they don’t hurt at all and i just use each one to practice my slow breathing for labor
- i can feel her head on my cervix but it isn’t that much pressure , she is lowering and getting slowly engaged
My goal for the next few days and her first few months of life is to really embrace being single and make it clear to her father that I am interested in rebuilding our relationship if he respects and loves me. I’ve still been bending over backwards to accommodate whatever he is wanting or not wanting in every given moment instead of putting myself and my needs first. And we aren’t even together. He’s currently getting his cake and eating it too, and that is totally my fault. My goal is confidently, respectfully, and firmly put my foot down and prioritize myself and my daughter. I don’t like the idea of hashing out child support payments and possibly getting legal counsel, but I can’t set myself up to be marginalized in this process. It’s honestly really scary.
All this being said, I’m really seeking peace in not just these last few days before my daughter arrives but just in my life in general.
I’m seeking peace because it’s better.
It’s better than fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of single life, fear of being broke.
It’s better than anxiety.
It’s better than anger.
It’s better than resentment.
It’s better than complaining.
Being at peace means letting go of what I can’t control.
Being at peace means I submit to the love and support of my friends and family and I don’t try to do it all on my own.
Being at peace means having a heart of gratitude before a heart of anger and complaint.
I’m choosing to be at peace because it’s better.